When you write about your own life and its emotional and spiritual peaks and valleys, you want to find ways to connect that experience to other people’s inner lives so that they will be comforted (“I’m not the only person who ever felt that way”) or maybe even inspired (“It IS possible to achieve/get past/change my perspective on that!). Barring comfort and inspiration, perhaps readers will at least be able to think, “Oh, thank God that wasn’t me!”. These are things I hope for, anyway, when I post my weekly blog reflection. The problem is that this desire can lead to writing not about my actual life, but about my imagined one – you know, that fictional life where everything makes sense and has some ultimate form of meaning. Before I know it, every post purports to be about some lesson or insight that encapsulates the world, ties up my experiences in little yellow sunshiny bows, and makes me sound like a Pollyanna.
Which I am not.
In my real, as opposed to imaginal, life, I am “hanging in there”. Not being as proactive as I probably should be, but not doing nothing, either. It’s the dry land equivalent of treading water – I’m keeping myself afloat, but not really going anywhere. Because I am especially self-focused right now, I have a tendency to be in close-up view, the scene pulled in tight on me: surrounded by space, arms and legs working hard but staying in one place. If the scene zooms out, there is a huge body of life around me, heavily populated. Some people are moving in swift racing form, others playing around with friends and loved ones, still others battling a rip-tide that threatens to pull them under. Eventually, in this wide-view, you’ll spot me, off by myself, seemingly holding still.
In my real life, I’m lonely a lot of the time. There’s a rabbit-hole that is easy to wander down when you feel lonely. It takes you to a place where you allow yourself to think that other people are responsible for your happiness. And your inner voice becomes petulant and whiny, like the nine year old you once were, complaining that someone “stole” your friend. I hate hearing my own voice sound that way, hate this particular rabbit-hole. I do my best to avoid it, but it isn’t always easy to recognize until I’m in and suddenly tune in to the whining.
In my real life, my old friend, Generalized Fear, arrives at my doorstep most days. He barges in and sits for a spell, even when I tell him in the strictest terms to go away. People sometimes ask which I’m more afraid of – success or failure. I laugh at that question, because I fear them equally, as I fear most things. That’s what GF has taught me over a lifetime of hanging out together (even though I haven’t wanted him in my life).
But here’s another truth about my real life – and I’m not imagining it at all – every day I feel more convinced that I am in the right place.
When I picked Minneapolis, I had good, solid reasons for doing so. My awesome life coach, Charlynn Avery, gave me the assignment of researching which cities met certain criteria based on the lifestyle I hoped to establish. Minneapolis came out at or near the top of every configuration I tried. I also had a gut feeling, based on numerous visits over the past few years, that it would be a good fit for me.
When I opted to take this quirky apartment in the same building as Mike’s, I said I was doing so for expedience – it was a good deal, in a neighborhood that may not be perfect but at least I was familiar with. Mike would be easy to find if I had questions or needed anything. But my intuition also whispered that this was a good place for me to begin.
I’m not always a good one for trusting my gut feelings or intuition. And most of my family and friends don’t trust them either – so there were many concerns expressed and questions asked about my choice. I mostly responded with the facts, rather than get too caught up in a discussion of feelings. I guess I wanted people to think I had thought this through very carefully, weighed all the evidence and possibilities, and chosen the one that made the most objective sense. And I did…but the actual decision was based on my heart – my intuition and guts led my heart to be set on this place.
It is too soon to know how this will all turn out. How hard or how easy will it be to establish myself here. I don’t have any sense, yet, of how or where I will make a living, for example. I haven’t actually made new friends, though I’ve met some cool people and had some great experiences.
I remember being here a couple of years ago in mid-winter, a snow storm raging around me. I bundled up against the below-zero temps and headed to the Starbucks two blocks up. As I drank my very hot Americano surrounded by the Somali cabdrivers who hang out there between fares, I had a vision of myself living here. Walking to markets, to coffeeshops, to little organic restaurants. Feeling at home with the beat and pulse of life in this city. Not even the winter reality deterred the appeal of that vision. But it was just my imagination.
In my real life, late afternoon yesterday found me walking to The Wedge, a grocery coop not far from here. On the way, I discovered a tiny farmers market in the church parking lot across the street from Starbucks. I took a detour to check out a small florist around the corner on Nicolette. As I walked, I knew which cross streets were one way, which had stop signs or not. I watched for familiar sights along the way (particularly some lovely gardens), nodded at other people passing on the sidewalk. I had the sudden realization that I am growing to love my neighborhood – and that my definition of neighborhood is expanding as my comfort level with the area is expanding. I could envision the same walk through the changing seasons. Later, as I ate the nutritious meal I prepared from my purchases at The Wedge, I looked around my strange little apartment and felt at home.
Maybe there IS a lesson here, an insight about trusting our intuition. Real life isn’t always easy, it is sometimes messy and frustrating and lonely. We don’t always like the person we see in the mirror (or hear in our heads). But there are bigger pictures and deeper truths that exist at the same time, within the same space, as all the flawed realities.
And if that ties things up too neatly, or makes me sound like a Pollyanna…then so be it.